As you know, we have yet to earn clout when it comes to the entertainment business, so we must interview Z-Listers. This week, I decided to interview a Middle School Spelling Bee Champion from the year 2003. My dialogue is labeled with “Matt” and my interviewee’s is notated with MSSBC20003 (Middle School Spelling Bee Champion of 2003).
Matt: Sir, thank you so much for taking the time out of your busy post-championship life to take a few minutes with me.
MSSBC2003: I always laugh when people call me sir. I do not deserve your respect in any way.
Matt: Right…okay then. I noticed that you’re wearing a polo with basketball shorts, which is extremely tacky. Yet somehow, you pull it off. Is there any correlation between fashion and spelling?
MSSBC2003: Matt, I’m going to be honest with you. After I won the ’ship, I got caught up in hard drugs and I forgot how to spell.
Matt: Okay. Moving on…In 2005, there were 124,110 public and private middle schools in the United States. I did the calculations. By winning that spelling bee, you were literally “one in a million” when I compared that statistic to the number 124,110,000,000. How does that feel?
MSSBC2003: It feels great. But somewhere along the way, I thought to myself, “Why just go for one in a million? Why not be one in a billion?” I went for it. I entered myself into the Powerball lottery and failed.
Matt: Fantastic. At least you tried your best. Speaking of that, what are you involved with these days?
MSSBC2003: I’m trying to end spelling bees all together and replace them with “number bees”. Spelling bees are too stressful.
Matt: And what are these “number bees” you speak of?
MSSBC2003: Well, the concept is very similar to a spelling bee, but the judge reads a number, one thousand for example, and the participant must then vocally recite the numbers in that number. In my example, the participant would have to say “one zero zero zero”. It’s a brilliant idea.
Matt: Right. Sounds great! Now, you did win your middle school spelling bee, but I see that you were eliminated from your district spelling bee after incorrectly spelling the word “botanist”. How did you feel after losing?
MSSBC2003: I was heartbroken. I cried for several decades. There were rumors that if I had won the district bee, Webster Grill was going to sign me for a sponsorship. I blew it.
Matt: Webster Grill? Surely you mean Webster’s Dictionary, yes?
MSSBC2003: No, no, I think I’m right. Anyhow, the point is moot. My life really spiraled downhill after I got knocked out of the district bee. After my crash from fame, NBC was considering doing special about me. I messed it up because, as I’ve mentioned before, I forgot how to spell. I’d walk around misspelling NBC. They didn’t really appreciate that.
Matt: Wow, that’s terrible. Too bad E didn’t pick up your special. That probably would have worked out.
MSSBC2003: What kind of pencil are you writing with?
Matt: Actually, quite embarrassingly, it’s a brown colored pencil. It makes me feel young.
MSSBC2003: I’m sorry, I only accept interviews from Ticonderoga Pencil users. I have to go now. Thanks for the interview.
