All Day Late Night

We know that our readers like to live on the edge. Both of you like to do risky things that could possibly hurt or kill you. Because of this, I’m going to “test the waters” by partaking in these foolish activities. If I emerge from the risky activity safe, you can go ahead and participate yourself. If not, I’ll be dead and you’ll still be alive. It’s my way of keeping our readership up.

A couple of months ago, a massive amount of Toll House cookie dough was recalled because of traces of salmonella. Raw cookie dough eaters worldwide started exploding.

As you can see from the picture below, Toll House has introduced a new batch of cookie dough that they’re advertising as salmonella-free.

Several readers have emailed in with addresses along the lines of RAW_COOKIE_DOUGH_LVR@hotmail.com, so I know you’re enthusiastic about this topic. I had to find out what will happen if you eat this. Despite the warning label that says “DO NOT CONSUME RAW COOKIE DOUGH”, I went ahead and ate half of the container of cookie dough raw. It was a long, painful process, but I did it for you guys.

For about 5 minutes, I became as sugar high as a 3rd grader who just snorted a jumbo pixie stick. In the haze of my sugar high, I dropped my giant spoon on the ground. When I reached down to pick it up, I hit my head on the table and blacked out. I woke up in the morning without feeling sick, so it looks like this new batch of cookie dough really is salmonella-free. The only way you’re getting salmonella from this is if the Geico lizard serves it to you without wearing gloves. Eat up kids.

*But really, we’re not responsible for anything you do. I wouldn’t do anything we condone, ever.