All Day Late Night

Our posts from The Anti-Green Movement are from the wildly successful, critically acclaimed website GoAntiGreen.com.

You may not know this, mortal, but the way you use money can make a huge impact on the economy. According to my calculations, billions of monetary transactions are made every day. If everyone wasted just a tad of energy during every transaction, billions of tads of energy would be wasted every day. There’s a lot of potential there, and we’re going to tap that potential like syrup hunters tap maple trees. Here’s a current rundown of how current transactions are made and who makes them:

1. Barter: This is the ultimate hippy transaction. Do not do this.
2. Credit/Debit Cards: These are for the weak hippies or for people looking to save money who are currently being tricked into saving the environment.
3. Cash: Cash is for money launderers, strippers, or strip club customers.

You may be thinking, “Wow Matt, you really make every form of transaction sound awful. You must have a brilliant idea for me.” As usual, you are correct.

From now on, if you are a true Anti-Greenie, you will only use pennies for all of your monetary transactions. Pennies are extremely inefficient – they cost more to make than they’re worth, they take a lot of energy to carry around, and they’re a waste of metal, among other things. Also, pennies are kind of brown, which is the official color of the Anti-Green Movement.

Before I posted this Climate-Rising Tip, I’ve been testing this idea out for all of you, and it’s been working great. From a few months of studying, I’ve discovered a few helpful tips you should keep in mind while using the penny in mass quantities:

• Disguise your pennies to fool greenies into thinking you’re on their side:

Sorry nitpickers, but I had to crop out a few of his chins for this picture.

• It will be very hard to pay your bills in just pennies. If you want to, you can simply ship rolls upon rolls of pennies to the companies you owe money. However, that’s pretty efficient. I recommend personally driving your pennies to the billing addresses of the said companies. To make this easier, I constantly keep the trunk of my car full of pennies.

• Some people might accuse you of forging a penny. Call them an idiot and tell them that the ghost of Abe Lincoln will haunt them. If this does not faze them, tell them that once I’m no longer in this world, I will haunt them as well.

• It’s quite easy to pay less than necessary when you use only pennies. Simply hand over a bunch of pennies to any cashier and tell them how much money you gave them. They’ll usually be very foolish and trust you. Because of this, you can “forget” to include a penny or two every once in a while.

• Finally, many people will try to refuse your pennies for any transaction over 50 cents. If anyone is not willing to accept your pennies, throw the pennies at their face and run away with the merchandise you were trying to purchase. While you do so, yell, “HOW’S IT FEEL TO GET ABED IN THE FACE!?”